Commuters

I should start a series on the weird things I see on my daily commute to work.

Such as....

This morning I saw a girl wearing a skirt, no tights and sandals. It was -7 outside. -7 is balmy for February in Edmonton. I think I've been living on borrowed time for not wearing a hat this week. But sandals? Don't be stupid! At least she wasn't bare on the bottom with a proper winter jacket on top - that's my personal fave. She was wearing a sweater. If you're going to dress inappropriately for the weather, then go whole hog and be inappropriate from head to toe.

Silly girls. I wanted to slap her and send her home.

Motheringly Yours,
xoxoSallyS

Stupidity

I watched a girl on the bus this morning apply eye make up. She lined her eyes and applied mascara to her lashes on a bumpy bus that made several stops. It was the stupidest thing I have ever watched on a bus. I was waiting for her to poke herself in the eye. I sort of wish she did, just to teach a lesson.

Then, she bopped her head and mouthed words along to songs on her iPod. She also crossed herself like a Catholic several times. Perhaps she was unhinged.

Her make up, by the way, was far too heavy. Not Ke$ha heavy, but too heavy for a Tuesday morning bus ride.

Etiquettely Yours,
xoxoSallyS

In Praise of HydraSense

Byron and I had nasty colds last week. It was a sea of used kleenex and Fishermen's Friends in the house. At night, we'd get stoned on Nyquil and spend a fitful night trying to sleep.

The I saw an ad for HydraSense. And our world was changed. Well, mine was. Byron's not a convert yet.

It's salt water you jam into your nose and sinuses and it flushes out the gross stuff. I love it! It feels unnatural having water flushed into your nose, but once you blow and all the nastiness comes out, you feel so much better. And you can breathe again.

The taste and sensation of water up my nose reminds me of swimming in the ocean when I was a kid. Happy memories AND a clear nose? What's not to love about HydraSense?

Nasally Yours,
xoxoSallyS

Pony Hat

I saw a man on the street today with a hat on. An ugly orange skull cap. What made the hat weird was the wee little hole in the back, near the nape of his neck. It made room for his ponytail, like the hole at the back of a ball cap but way tinier.

Now THAT is dedication to the man-ponytail.

Ain't nothin' gonna mess his pony up.

I kind of want one. But not in orange.

Covetingly Yours,
xoxoSallyS

Think things through out loud!

A local radio station is having some douchey Valentine's Day pub crawl. It's with the morning hosts, Pepper and Dylan. The event is called ... wait for it... P&D's VD. *sigh* Did ANYONE at the station think this one out loud? Oh. They probably did and think it's hysterical. Silly moi.

It reminded me of a contest on the noon show at CBC years ago. It was held in the summer. Callers were asked to call in and name the song that was being hummed. That gem was called the "Summer Hummer". When I heard the name, I burst out laughing, and no one at the station knew why. The middle-aged producers were unaware of the true meaning of a hummer.

Think, people, think!

Dismayingly Yours,
xoxoSallyS

To Spawn or Not To Spawn

I have been married for more than a year now, and I guess people were giving us some time before we got down to business. No one mentioned babies before now. Well, except for my father-in-law at our reception. After several glasses of my famous Flirtini, he got tipsy, grabbed my arm and with watery eyes told me he wants to be a grampy. Who can say no to that?

We could.

Babies have been on our minds well before the wedding. We knew we wanted some, but weren’t sure when the right time is. And we’re still not. Is anyone? We have goals, such as buying a house and Byron finishing school to think of before we bring a baby on the scene. When is the right time!?!?!

Well, according to family and friends, 2010 is.

It started this fall when some former colleagues and friends found out we were house-hunting. In emails they would tell me to buy a house big enough to fill with “little Stuikes”. Then my aunt gave me a birthday card that wished me luck in “planning” the coming year. I joked with her and asked if she was telling me to have a baby. She giggled and said yes. My sister’s gotten in on the baby-urging, too. And just the other week, some co-workers asked me point blank if we were trying for a family.

Surprisingly, my mother has been silent on the subject. And she’s the one I figured would be most vocal! Everyone else, it seems, has an opinion on when we should have a child and when we should start trying. But my mother, who has an opinion on everything else is silent. Maybe George and Evelyn, and Dave and Nicole’s baby in May is keeping her busy?

For the record… it’s no one’s business. When we’re ready, we’ll tell people.

Does anyone else have people prying into their bedroom antics? Is anyone else getting conception questions? Is this, like a wedding registry, a passage of marriage?

Non-Conceivingly Yours,

xoxoSallyS

Snookin' for Love

My new favourite show is Jersey Shore. It is pure trash, vile, and horrific on so many levels. But I cannot get enough of J-Woww (the extra W for emphasis), Snooki and “The Situation”. Of course, I can't get enough of The Situation. He's basically a Rambo, you know. He said so himself. They are all douchebags and heinous humans, but their exploits are more ridiculous than any sitcom could ever come out with. What they fight about, who they fight, and how they fight is fascinating. The show, by the way, is all about fighting - yelling, pulling, slapping, and a lot of expletives. These kids would sooner fight than eat – and it makes for a great guilty pleasure.

When I watch the show, my mouth is usually agape. I cannot believe people actually live like this! But then I think it’s probably just an act for the cameras. But then I see the Italian flag with an outline of the state of New Jersey on it, and I think that maybe people really do live like this. I feel like an anthropologist, observing a vile tribe of over-tanned and crass sub-humans.

The men are particularly disgusting, in my opinion. They talk about “creepin’”, which I think is the equivalent of “picking up”. They string girls along to come back to their hot tub. In the scenes of them creepin’ in the club, they look like letches and fools. And, sadly, guys I have seen in real life. So maybe the letchiness of these asses is universal in a certain breed of men. What makes them disgusting is the tanning, the preening, the hairdos, the fawning over themselves.

The girls are no better with the tans, hair extensions and fake nails. In one scene, a girl was whining at home after the bar and was taking out her hair while complaining. Long strips of plastic hair were laid out on a dresser like a discarded bracelet. To cheer themselves up, they get their nails done and tan. It’s all so superficial. And delicious to watch.

Snooki is by far my favourite. She’s so tiny and bizarre. She’s crude and trashy and completely unapologetic. Her bumpit hair is tragic. Her backflips in a mini-dress on a dancefloor is revolting. Her punch in the face from a guy is hysterical – only because of her reaction. Snooki balled up on a bathroom floor, screaming “Tell me I have all my teeth” is pure magic. Watching her milk a supposed sore jaw the next day was a delight. Then fighting with “the hippo” less than 24 hours after getting socked in the jaw is side-splitting.

If you are looking to see how low humans can go, without actually being in their putrid presence, catch this show. Warning: it will make your jaw ache. Not from a punch, but from hanging open in horror.

Ya Stumpy Bastid,
xoxoSallyS