Say NO to Skinny Jeans

I'm losing patience waiting for this wretched trend of skinny jeans to end.

I appreciate wanting to be in style and hip and with it, as the kids say. But I saw one girl yesterday who made me weep. I wanted to wrap a coat around her waist and send her home. The skinny jean! She was stuffed into those bad boys. Her bum - unflattering. Her legs were tragic. And my fashion-less companion (he was in splash pants. Don't get me going on that one! I can be thankful they weren't tear-away pants, which he has worn on a date with me before.) even commented on the hideousness of her body in those hateful pants.

I wonder, how does one sit on skinny jeans without their torso popping off? How do they get them on? They often look like denim tights to me, so do they roll them on light tights? Do you peel them off? But my biggest question is, " How the eff do you think you look good?!?"

Exhibit A

How can anyone whose thighs touch when standing think this is a look to copy? It is not.

The creepiest part of the skinny jean epidemic is teenage boys in them. You know the kind. The black, spiky hair, a touch too much eye liner, grubby hoodie and Converse sneakers. Their skiddly boxers are bunched at the waist band because their jeans are too fricking tight! Stop it, boys! Let your developing testes breathe! You look weird and malnourished and not at all manly. Your future children, given you can still reproduce after having your boys fried in those skinny jeans for all this time, will laugh at you. STOP IT!

The only one who can barely manage to pull the skinny jean off is Billy Joe Armstrong, and that's only because he's semi-punk. See...

I bet he wears sweats at home when he has no eye makeup on.

I saw him naked years ago in Fredericton at a concert. I was moshing (how old am I?) in the front and he came skipping out on stage and danced naked. Not pretty. It may be the only time in my life I wished for skinny jeans. But I digress.

So my point... Are you Billy Joe? No? Then remove your pants and put on a pair of cords. Young Miss, can you drive a truck through your legs? Hmm? Then I suggest a breezy skirt that will ward off any nasty infections from too tight clothing.

I'm warning you!
xoxoSallyt